Grief may seem like a lonely process, a downward spiral full of noiselessness, bewilderment and the haunting feeling that there is no one in the world who would ever understand that you are being so much hurt. But When the Grief Counsellor Becomes the Grieving Counsellor is a striking revelation, as it shows that no matter how bad the saddest moments of tragedy may be, we can still heal when we share this experience with other people who went through the same tragedy. This can be seen in the case of Adrian, a veteran therapist who suddenly finds himself in the midst of debilitating grief following the loss of his wife; this is how support groups demonstrate the unprecedented ability of support groups to be used as one of the most powerful instruments to heal the heart.
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Over 20 years, Adrian was leading people through grief, addiction and life-changing trauma. He had witnessed tears, heard confessions and assisted thousands of people to rebuild their lives. But when his world of his own turned into pieces because of his wife having been struggling with the rare genetic illness, he realized he could not do even a step in the process of healing. The methods he educated me about, grounding, mindfulness, and journaling, were remote and unproductive. Grief deprived him of his confidence and drifted him adrift without realizing who he is as a professional and also as an individual.
Amazon: When the Grief Counselor Becomes the Grieving Counselor
It is not clinical knowledge or professional training that made him turn but his vulnerability. After he enrolled in a grief support group, he found something he had never encountered before, which is the healing power of shared pain, shared stories, and shared humanity. It is here that the main action of the book is played out, and where the effectiveness of support groups is most radiant.
This is one of the reasons why support groups are so transformative because they make us feel that we are not alone. As Adrian stepped into their first encounter, he did so with silent terror. This time he was the mourning husband and not the counsellor. Those who were sitting around him were not patients; they were peers.
Every individual had his or her narrative of the loss, though each of them was one of the fragments of the voyage that Adrian had only started to make. The sincerity, their shaky voices and their weakness together created a bond that was not seen. It was the first time he did not need to explain or perform like other people did since the death of his wife. His support group turned into a niche, a place where no one judged his pain clinically but dealt with it with compassion.
The second strong point of support groups is that they will destroy the isolation that grief brings. Adrian retreated into himself after the death of his wife. Home was claustrophobic, the memories too numerous. He started to lose touch with clients in his professional life as he could not bear their pain in addition to his own. But the presence of the group drew him back into union. Adrian felt his isolation mellow when he heard other people talk about how grief had interfered with their sleep, their habits, their religion, and their day-to-day living. He was no longer on his own. Their mutual grief was mutualized, lightened, too, as it was no longer in his hand.
The safety that is provided through support groups also helps to create the feeling of being safe enough to express themselves truly. Being a therapist, Adrian was accustomed to being the tough guy, the stabilizing force, who carries the emotions of all others. Yet in the team he was able to speak freely. He cried freely. He confessed tremendous things that he never expressed. He was dealing with suppressed memories. The team neither judged nor was right nor impatient about him. They actively listened, merely providing a presence, which is more curative than the advice. Such unleavened sincerity would be an important component in his emotional healing.
The experience that Adrian goes through is an indication that when we enter a group of people who are painfully like us, the healing process does not start with a solution; it starts with comprehension.
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